January 29, 2015

Looking for Beautiful


I know I saw it, ugly, in my room last night. I felt it enter my body as I was dreaming. When I woke I found it still occupied my body, mind, and spirit. It refused to leave, and in all honesty I didn't want it to. I welcome it, ugly. I carried it with me through my day by having ugly thoughts, ugly words, and ugly actions with everyone. Ugly became me. And I didn't care.

Ugly made me see ugly even in beautiful. It blocked my sun, robbed my dreams, made me anxious to where I felt sad and defeated. Ugly scared my relationships and made me look old-and my being stubborn heightened it all. It is quite contagious to anyone in my presence.

I take ugly's hand, gladly, each and every day. I'm afraid to let go it. What would happen if I did? Will I give up my chance to ever feel like I was right about what it is that keeps me in ugly's shoes? It means everything for me to feel right, doesn't it? I ask myself. Ugly tells me it should, often; it reminds me every minute of the day to keep up the fight with who it is I am at odds with-to the point I force that person, or persons, to agree with me by delivering yells or silence to them, or by rejecting them.

There are no changes though, when ugly is with me and supporting me at the times I feel are the worst. Day after day I get nothing in return from ugly except heartache, restless nights, poor eating habits, lost relationships, and lost direction. I feel alone. I am alone.
One day, unexpectedly, I hear the faint whisper of beautiful. She is at my window, singing while I am having my morning tea. The Robin, from which the beautiful sound comes, tilts her head sideways as if to study me.

She watches me for a time and flies off. I am compelled to follow her, so I rush through the front door. The heat of the sun greets my chilled face- It warms me clear down to my aching bones. I find the Robin as it flies upward to land on the peak of a pine tree (perhaps her babies are up there). The sky's color, I take note, is a delicious winter mint. All around me I see beautiful. Beautiful takes my hand and we walk to my old flower bed.

I begin wildly pulling the weeds in my pajamas. I take the garden shovel and with my slippered-foot I push it into the soil and turn over anything dead. The pungent smell of earth fast reaches my nose. I smile wide. I feel myself smiling. The wind chimes on the porch play their harps, and the tulips lining the sidewalk show off peachy heads by waving to me in the gentle breeze.
Beautiful was here all along, waiting for my return. I feel it now, intensely. I am beautiful inside again. Ugly is no more.

When we stop looking for ugly, beautiful appears. It comes immediately and naturally, and stays with us so long as we are willing to open the door to let it in.

***
I am always searching for answers as to why some of us carry certain bad feelings longer than others, and why good feelings seem few and far between for people. I couldn't help but pull out this old writing, that I had written about a friend, after reading several hate posts on a local page and wishing administrators chose the direction of kindness and honesty instead of hatred, lies, and bullying tactics for their page. Approach is everything. And it's no way to move a town forward and bring a community together. Keep it beautiful people, and when ugly comes knocking on your door for the mere reason it has no where to go, keep the door shut. It'll leave eventually.



2 comments:

  1. Hoping that beautiful finds you every day :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thanks, Leanne. It usually does. I hope it finds you, too. If not, go looking for it. ;)

    ReplyDelete